I Think I Could've Loved You
by Nordyr
Summary: Clarke deals with her anger (in a rather physical way) after Lexa left her at the Mountain.
1. Chapter 1

It was dark outside, the leaves of trees howling in the dim moonlight that made its way through the mist. Torches flickered, it was the first sign of the grounder camp that Clarke could make out from where she was standing.  
Her feet were tired but cold, and she curled her toes in an attempt to keep them warmer. The night air was cold enough to burn her nose and lungs every time she breathed in, which was often since the walk had been quite strenuous.

The tips of her ears were red because of the cold air, in sharp contrast to her pale face. Even though she couldn´t tell the color of her hair herself, it was somewhere in between red and brown - a mixture of mud and blood. It smelled of the forest; she smelled of the forest. It was enough to keep the predators off her scent.

She chuckled to herself in irony.

 _I have become earth._

It was cold, it was filthy and it was moist. She couldn't help but think of space, think of the Ark. It had been sterile, with a continuous artificial hum and the smell of metal all around. She could taste the very same metal right now in the blood from her cracked lips.

She looked up, towards the trees. The moonlight shone above them and she could clearly make out the branches.  
But the Trikru warriors were too well trained for her to spot them, even though she knew they were watching her every step now. She knew they were out there, even in the middle of the night. She knew they could see her, were aware of her presence and the fact that she was heading straight for their encampment. They had their bows drawn and aimed at her, this she knew too.

" _Chon yu bilaik?"_ a voice called out from above her.

She didn't slow her pace, didn't look up at the trees. Neither the question nor the sudden voice surprised her.

" _Ai laik Wanheda._ "

That's all she said, that's all they needed to hear. She arrived at the border of camp. Guards were at their posts and they noticed her, but made no attempt to stop her once they recognized her.  
Clarke found the camp surprisingly quiet - instead of warriors celebrating, she found that most of them had already retired to their tents. Her eyes were well adjusted to the dark and with the occasional torch to light the area, she could clearly recognize the war tent, where they had held their meetings. Where they had discussed plans, alliances, politics, armies and tactics.

The fact that the tent had been set up meant that the Commander still had things to discuss with her generals. Clarke couldn't help but grimace; as if the Commander still had anything left to discuss with them after she had taken down the Mountain and ended their war.

At the far side of the camp, she noticed the larger tent. The Commander's tent. Grasshoppers chirped in the dark, it almost would've been a perfectly beautiful night if the sky hadn't been so clouded. If the air hadn't been so foggy. If she hadn't been so broken.

Clarke was met by two large grounders standing guard at the Commander's tent. Once again, they did nothing more than glance at her.  
She barely realized where her feet had led her, as if her consciousness hadn't quite caught up yet with what she was doing. But she couldn't find it in herself to care, for she had nothing more to lose, and so she pushed through the front flap of the tent's entrance.

Clarke stepped inside and didn't move. The Commander's back was to her, long, dark hair falling over her shoulder. She was still, too quiet. She stood near a table, where her dagger rested a few inches away from her hand.

Clarke knew Lexa knew she was there. Or at least, she would know _someone_ had just entered her tent. But the way she stood still, not twirling around in anger with dagger in hand, shouting at her guards for letting someone enter, that's what made Clarke think Lexa knew it was her.  
She saw Lexa's jaw move, saw her swallow.

And Lexa knew the moment had come. Clarke had come to claim her blood, to push that grounder rule back in her face. _Jus drein jus daun_ , she recited to herself, and it atoned for everything that was about to happen. Clarke had the right to make her bleed.

And so she turned around. She was stripped of her armor, vulnerable in her black tank top. Once again she tried to swallow away the lump in her throat, tried to keep her breath steady as she met Clarke's eyes.

Clarke moved forward, bottom lip shaking in what Lexa couldn't tell was anger or grief.  
Clarke's flat palm hit her cheek, hard, and she let her. She readied herself for the next one, accepted the anger Clarke would let out on her. She kept her eyes averted from Clarke's, ashamed of the pain she had caused reflecting in those blue orbs.

But Clarke's hand stroked the cheek she had just hit, her face so close that Lexa forced herself to turn her head to the side. Clarke inched closer still, her nose softly pressing into Lexa's cheek, her mouth too close to her ear. Her hand moved to the back of Lexa's neck, grabbed at her hair. Clarke breathed in the scent of the forest, of the earth, of deception and betrayal.

Lexa's face was as stoic as ever. Clarke kissed her lips, sensually. Her nails dug into the back of Lexa's neck, and Lexa fought the urge to kiss her back with greater passion.

"I hate you," Clarke murmured against her lips, anger seeping through every syllable.

The words sent a painful sensation through Lexa's heart and she felt it coil in her stomach. Her lips wanted to tremble and part in pain under Clarke's gaze, sorrow wanted to take over her face because _Clarke hated her_.  
But instead, she kept her composure. Her breaking down would do Clarke no good, would it? It wouldn't be fair. She didn't have the right.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said. She meant the words, she really did, but Clarke heard the tone of her voice and knew that she was still holding up walls.

"No, you're not," Clarke growled. She moved her hand to the front of Lexa's neck, dug her nails in as she gripped her throat. "I had an alliance with you. I had a deal with you and you betrayed us. You have no regret for choosing your people over mine, Commander, you don't regret betraying us."

Lexa swallowed under Clarke's chocking grip which was painful but not enough to close off her airways. The part that was hidden behind the walls wanted to scream, wanted to cry at Clarke that she _was_ sorry for leaving their people, for leaving _her_ , for betraying all of them and especially for betraying Clarke's trust.  
But she didn't, because Clarke was right. The Commander wasn't sorry for betraying them in order to save her people. She couldn't be.

Lexa averted her eyes once more, but Clarke forced her to face her. And Clarke saw the arrogant truth in those green eyes, that she had the right to be angry but could do nothing to ease her pain.

Her free hand gripped Lexa's shirt, shoved her against the framework of the tent. Her jaw was tense in anger, her whole body was tense and full of adrenaline in unrelieved rage as she claimed Lexa's mouth again, biting her lower lip.  
A whimper started in Lexa's throat, but she cut it off there and tried not to gasp as Clarke breathed heavily against and into her mouth. She had no idea what was going on; Clarke was kissing her but for some reason it felt like pain, like torture, like punishment.

Clarke's hand scratched across Lexa's neck and jaw as she readjusted her grip.

"I hate you," she mumbled once again, this time the anger was accompanied by a tremble of pain and as Lexa felt the painful grip on her side she understood. Clarke was angry with the Commander. No matter her feelings for Lexa, this was pure resentment for the stoic face that had left her behind.

"I know," Lexa gulped. She pushed her inner self away and forced the mask of the Commander to take over her face, tried to push the sorrow out of her eyes while Clarke angrily started tearing at her clothes. If Clarke needed to release her anger onto the Commander, she would let her.

One of Clarke's hands was underneath Lexa's shirt, pressing against her stomach and keeping her pinned while the other was now pulling the shirt up. As she pulled the shirt over Lexa's head and looked into her eyes, she saw how her walls were up again, how there was no emotion, how it was exactly the same face that had left her at the mountain even with the absence of warpaint. Her anger boiled up again and she shoved Lexa towards the bed.

Lexa suddenly panicked, realizing she was way too close to enjoying this. This was all wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

"Clarke-"

Whatever Lexa was about to say was caught off in her throat and turned into a soft growl as she felt Clarke's teeth bite into her neck, close to her pulse point. Her head fell back and Clarke leaned over her onto the bed, covering Lexa's bare chest with her own clothed one. Her hands moved to Lexa's belt, unclasping it and pulling it down aggressively.

Suddenly Lexa realized she was throbbing down there, as if she had known what was going to happen from the moment that Clarke had walked in. Clarke pulled back and briefly looked down at her. It did nothing to change the enraged state she was in and she pulled her own shirt and bra off. Lexa's breath caught at the sight of her.

"Clarke-" Lexa tried again. She didn't deserve this, Clarke should be punishing and hurting her, not giving her body for pleasure.

" _Shof op_ ," Clarke growled. She had taken off her own pants as well and dove back over Lexa's body. As their naked forms touched, both forgot to breathe. Lexa felt a weird sensation in her chest, one that radiated through her arms and made tears want to crawl out of her eyes, and even though Clarke tried to ignore it, she felt the same.

Suddenly Lexa wanted to kiss Clarke softly, full of love and laced with every emotion that transferred between them.  
But Clarke didn't give her that chance as she quickly composed herself and moved her mouth to Lexa's collarbone. One of her hands slipped down over Lexa's abdomen, over her hips and to the inside of her thigh. There was a wetness already waiting for her, but she kept her hand still.  
Her body tensed again in anger that she had been carrying for too long, and she bit down onto Lexa's shoulder, hard. Lexa could swear she felt the skin break, and as her fingers dug into Clarke's back, she understood.

This wasn't about punishing her.

It was about Clarke dealing with her anger.

And it _did_ hurt.

Clarke wasted no time as she pressed her fingers upward, causing Lexa's hips to buckle up as she pressed against her opening. Lexa felt her breath hitch in her throat, and she managed to push down the whimper that threatened to escape from her lips. She tensed her jaw again and met Clarke's eyes with as much stolidity as she could muster.

It was all Clarke needed to start thrusting in and out of her, biting her lower lip hard enough to draw blood as her own emotions threatened to overtake her. She pulled at Lexa's lip, mingling their blood together, and marveling over the fact that they were so much alike now. Both with the blood of hundreds on their hands.

Lexa's hands shot up to Clarke's neck, but Clarke moved away from her. Withdrawing her hand, she took both of the Commander's wrists and kept them above her head. She moved to press on both of them with one hand as the other slipped down once more, roughly entering her again. She hovered over Lexa's face, barely noticing how her arm was tiring as she kept thrusting harder.

She grazed her teeth along Lexa's neck a couple more times, marking her, and then settled for simply watching Lexa's face. Watching how helpless the Commander seemed beneath her. Watching how her lips started trembling. Watching how her walls started to fall down.

"You're weak, Commander."

As her body tightened around Clarke's fingers, Lexa felt her chest tightening as well. Her walls crumbled down. The Commander seemed to disappear and all that was left was a young girl with the sorrow of a thousand deaths in her eyes.

All that was left was Lexa.

And Clarke just watched as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

The tent was filled with the soft sound of their heavy breathing.

Clarke looked at her, her anger replaced with an emptiness that would sooner or later probably turn into sorrow. She leaned down, and placed a soft kiss on the brunette's cheek.

"I think I could've loved you."

She moved to stand up, to pull on her clothes and walk back into the dark forest and find some sort of peaceful isolation among the cold unknown. But Lexa grabbed her wrist, forced her to turn back around.

Lexa moved slow, and Clarke did nothing to stop it. She felt her lips on her own, felt them on her neck, felt them across her stomach as Lexa pulled her back onto the bed.

She was soft, she was gentle and it felt too intimate, too close to both of their hearts. But Clarke let her, only gasping softly as Lexa made love to her.

If this was retribution for the guilt she was feeling, it would not suffice.

If this was her way of asking for forgiveness, it would not be enough.

But it wasn't either of those things. Lexa curled her fingers, and Clarke understood.

"I'm sorry, Clarke," Lexa whispered, staring at her as she came undone, her hands on Lexa's cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Clarke looked into the emerald eyes of a young, innocent girl.

"I know," she whispered. "I know."

* * *

 _Chon yu bilaik?_ \- "Who are you?  
 _Ai laik Wanheda._ \- "I am Wanheda."  
 _Jus drein jus daun._ \- "Blood must have blood."  
 _Shof op._ \- "Be quiet."


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Lexa woke up - surprised that she had even fallen asleep with Clarke so nearby (or maybe that was the very reason she had fallen asleep so easily) - in the familiar feeling of a cold and empty bed. For a moment her thoughts remained on the verge of waking, recalling what had happened. But she was alone, and couldn't help but wonder if perhaps it had all been a dream. Perhaps she was finally losing her mind over the guilt that had haunted her ever since she turned her back to the Mountain door.

She sat up, furs falling down her chest and revealing her marked skin, convincing her that it had most definitely not been a dream. Yet her clothes were the only ones that still lingered on the floor.

She interrogated her guards and the border patrols, who recalled watching Clarke leave earlier that morning before the sun had risen. Lexa sent out two guards, specialized in tracking, to find her. One was to report back while the other was to keep an eye on her at all times.

" _Shil em op bilaik yu shil ai op_ ," she told them before they left.

And they understood.

* * *

But Clarke was not stupid.

Nor was she any longer deaf to the distant rustle of leaves, or blind to the reflections of sunlight on blades.

Their training did little to hide their presence from Clarke's newly sharpened senses, and soon enough she knew that she was being followed. So when the night fell, she waited for the guard who had remained to settle down, and snuck up on him while he slept.

She laughed to herself, this was almost _too_ easy. So much for the great Heda's warriors.

His eyes were calm as he opened them slowly when he felt the knife pressed to his neck, her voice hoarse against his ear as she spoke the words clearly.

"Go back to your Heda. Tell her if she sends any more of you, I will kill them. Tell her to stop searching for me; I know where to find her."

He managed a stiff nod before she took the knife away from his throat. When he turned around, she was long gone.

* * *

The guard returned to his camp that very morning.

He was never called a guard again.

Lexa sent three more trackers.

None returned.

* * *

Eventually the camp packed up and moved to Polis. The horses struggled through the cold under the weight of their riders, and Lexa sat up straight in her saddle each day, looking forward and trying to pretend that she was not scanning the tree lines for any sign of Clarke.

There was none.

They arrived at the capitol and Lexa walked through the doors of her bedroom alone.

Then one night, Clarke lived up to her word when she appeared in front of her throne, fingers numb from the cold and face without emotion, as if the winter had frozen it in place.

Lexa had stood up, led her to her bedroom and there she had loved Clarke without sharing a word. Clarke's eyes had shed exactly three tears, but she had said nothing while Lexa reminded her body of what it felt like to be warm.

Lexa had offered her to stay, had said that she would have her own room if she'd want. But deep down Lexa understood that Clarke could never live with having to see her so often.

And so it didn't come as a surprise when the next morning, she was gone.

Clarke continued to find her. Somehow, the punch she felt in her stomach at seeing her face always caught Lexa off guard.

Some nights Clarke would take her ruthlessly, hiding all her pain behind anger because that was something she could express; while other nights were filled with soft kisses, gentle touches and Lexa's whispered apologies, a quiet mourning between the two of them over what was lost and could've been.

Still on other nights Clarke would bite Lexa's lip in a silent plea to ravage her, a desperate attempt to forget about the aching in her chest. Those are the nights that hurt Lexa the most.

One night, during the heart of winter, Lexa stayed awake to watch Clarke go. The sun rises late in winter and it was still many hours before it would show when Clarke slipped out from under the furs. As she was about to stand up, Lexa's gripped her wrist.

"Please," she whispered. "Beja, Klark. Don't leave."

Clarke tried to pull away, but Lexa held on tightly and sat up in bed.

"Please Clarke," she begged her again, voice cracking, dark hair falling over her bare shoulders. "Please don't leave me." Clarke shook her head and Lexa couldn't stop the tears from falling as she kissed up the inside of Clarke's wrist.

"You know I can't," Clarke responded, voice shaking, as she pulled her arm free. She stood up and blinked away her own tears because this sounded too familiar, this sounded too much like her in front of the Mountain door.

She walked out of Lexa's room and closed the doors behind her, ignoring the broken voice still reaching out to her.

"Please, Clarke."

* * *

Lexa didn't know how Clarke seemingly got through the winter without losing a pound. She didn't ask either - because Clarke was not hers to worry about.

She did worry.

Clarke kept showing up, and sometimes they would spend the whole night simply lying in bed and listening to each other breathe. Sometimes all they took from each other was warmth as their bodies embraced under the furs. Sometimes, they would seem like two ordinary lovers sharing the comfort of each other's presence, while they would both silently grieve for the losses they suffered.

For the life they could never have.

For the love they could never share.

Maybe one day, they could. Maybe one day it won't hurt so much anymore, Clarke found herself thinking. Maybe one day, she'll forgive me - and I'll forgive myself, Lexa thought.

But until then, Clarke kept visiting and Lexa kept allowing her to warm her bed.

Whether those nights were for comfort or revenge, Lexa never figured out. And the truth is, Clarke didn't know either.

* * *

 _Shil em op bilaik yu shil ai op. -_ "Protect her like you protect me."


End file.
